I love (and by that I mean it makes me want to headbutt a unicorn) how our government just adores telling us what’s best for us. Here, come under the shadow of our bald eagle wing and we will give you stuff and make you compliant in our cozy feathers. Well I’m developing a slight allergy to eagle feathers because seriously, when did a government study or program actually know what it was doing or tell us anything that wasn’t politically charged? Like putting gunky corn in our gas. I don’t care if it helps the farmers, I don’t want to put stupid corn in my gasoline and then have to buy anti-corn to clean out all the idiot stuff the corn did to my engine! It’s corn, folks!

But its not just that they want to baby me with consensus science, (not) free health care, hope, and change. No. It’s not just that.

It’s that all these things they want for me are things they don’t want for themselves. It’s like, here, you have to wear this bunny suit to protect you from Easter egg cancer (which our scientists are 1000% sure is real but won’t show signs until you’re dead). Oh, you also have to pay one thousand dollars for it (for every percentage point of realness), and for the awareness videos we will put out on YouTube featuring Matt Damon as Little Bunny Foo Foo.

Oh awesome! (Not) free stuff that will protect me from stuff that studies swear on their computer model’s grave will kill me! But where are your special suits, government? Oh, you exempted yourself from the law because the bunny suits wouldn’t fit over your eagle suits? Makes sense!!!

Meanwhile we should have gun free zones at our schools but the president’s kids should be heavily guarded, we should get stinky imitation health care but Congress should get the Hugo Boss, we should be regulated on carbon emissions by driving around in cardboard boxes but Al Gore should jet around in private planes (powered by polar bear love), we should step up equality but foreign government donors can behead gays, and we should be taxed out of our wealth but Iran should be given billions.

I just want someone who will say, hey, I’m gonna be there right along with you. We’re going to tough it out together. I mean, Hilary Clinton says that, but in a tweet from one of her seven mansions. Hi up there, Hilary! Thanks for caring!

King David brought the Israelites to the height of glory and the people loved him. They loved him because he was a man of the people. He danced with them and fought with them. That’s what I love in a leader. One who can rejoice with you in good times and struggle courageously with you in the hard times. And to the best of my knowledge he never made them wear bunny suits.

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2 thoughts on “This is good for you. I promise.

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