It was a sweltering day of 70 degrees. It was the kind of day that made you feel like nothing more than a pile of human-shaped grime and tears. Barack Obama grimaced, wiping his brow with an eco-friendly hand cloth. Two soldiers stood at attention, antsy in the blistering heat for him to return their salutes. But Barack had more important things on his mind.

Biting down hard into his nicotine gum he snarled “The global warming is thick today. I can smell it.”

But there were soldiers waiting and he didn’t have time to complain. He didn’t have time to sit down in no stinking air conditioning to watch the news and see what else was making America scandalized. He didnt havr time because a sea of fresh recruits were in desperate need of hearing his voice of experiencing his teleprompter. They needed to hear some words of encouragement from their commander in chief. These Coast Guard. These at the front lines of the real war. How could he find anything encouraging to say to them in such times as these? He sighed and ascended the podium. He centered himself, forcing the CO2 expelling from his body to lessen by half. It was the least he could do.

“My fellow soldiers,” he announced, “it is not time to ask what you can do for your country, but what you can do for mother earth.”

Surprised brows in the audience. Murmurs across the myriad faces. Yes, he thought. I’m reaching them.

“Perhaps some of you are afraid of the enemies you’ll face in your duties for America. But I’m here to tell you there is an enemy far worse than any human being. Human beings are chump change. Terrorists are like your next door neighbors … like neighbors who behead people every now and again. But they don’t want to. They are forced to. They are forced to by the republicans who fly jets everywhere and dig pipelines through good American soil like they’re tearing up good American flesh. It’s disgusting and gives me the he-be-jibes. But it’s real and you, my soldiers, are the first line of defense to stop it. You see, your fight is against climate change, because good weather is our most important ally. Its common sense. How are you going to attack people, if the whole world explodes before you get there? And in the meantime how are our enemies going to stop raping and murdering if they’re so blamed hot all the time? And how are you going to rest in the shade in harmony and peace if THERE IS NO SHADE. You see what I mean? You have to fight global temperature changes with all your might. If you don’t, it’s dereliction of duty! You understand me, soldiers?”

No one replied. All mouths were dropped. All hearts stopped. Barack grimaced. This was hard news to take. But it was a hard war out there and they needed to hear it.

So the president of the United States continued to beat these green recruits into GREEN recruits as best he could, and in so doing, made himself into even more of a mockery than ever before.

You see, this is a true story, and the embellishments are far less than you might hope. So don’t ride in gasoline powered boats, Coast Guard. Use paddle boats. And don’t protect our coasts from pirates and drug runners. Protect us from the real enemies: Republicans having large eco footprint parties on oversized yachts.

Now go and make your president proud.

For the actual speech click here. Coast Guard speech

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