Enemy at the Gate

It was a sweltering day of 70 degrees. It was the kind of day that made you feel like nothing more than a pile of human-shaped grime and tears. Barack Obama grimaced, wiping his brow with an eco-friendly hand cloth. Two soldiers stood at attention, antsy in the blistering heat for him to return their salutes. But Barack had more important things on his mind.

Biting down hard into his nicotine gum he snarled “The global warming is thick today. I can smell it.”

But there were soldiers waiting and he didn’t have time to complain. He didn’t have time to sit down in no stinking air conditioning to watch the news and see what else was making America scandalized. He didnt havr time because a sea of fresh recruits were in desperate need of hearing his voice of experiencing his teleprompter. They needed to hear some words of encouragement from their commander in chief. These Coast Guard. These at the front lines of the real war. How could he find anything encouraging to say to them in such times as these? He sighed and ascended the podium. He centered himself, forcing the CO2 expelling from his body to lessen by half. It was the least he could do.

“My fellow soldiers,” he announced, “it is not time to ask what you can do for your country, but what you can do for mother earth.”

Surprised brows in the audience. Murmurs across the myriad faces. Yes, he thought. I’m reaching them.

“Perhaps some of you are afraid of the enemies you’ll face in your duties for America. But I’m here to tell you there is an enemy far worse than any human being. Human beings are chump change. Terrorists are like your next door neighbors … like neighbors who behead people every now and again. But they don’t want to. They are forced to. They are forced to by the republicans who fly jets everywhere and dig pipelines through good American soil like they’re tearing up good American flesh. It’s disgusting and gives me the he-be-jibes. But it’s real and you, my soldiers, are the first line of defense to stop it. You see, your fight is against climate change, because good weather is our most important ally. Its common sense. How are you going to attack people, if the whole world explodes before you get there? And in the meantime how are our enemies going to stop raping and murdering if they’re so blamed hot all the time? And how are you going to rest in the shade in harmony and peace if THERE IS NO SHADE. You see what I mean? You have to fight global temperature changes with all your might. If you don’t, it’s dereliction of duty! You understand me, soldiers?”

No one replied. All mouths were dropped. All hearts stopped. Barack grimaced. This was hard news to take. But it was a hard war out there and they needed to hear it.

So the president of the United States continued to beat these green recruits into GREEN recruits as best he could, and in so doing, made himself into even more of a mockery than ever before.

You see, this is a true story, and the embellishments are far less than you might hope. So don’t ride in gasoline powered boats, Coast Guard. Use paddle boats. And don’t protect our coasts from pirates and drug runners. Protect us from the real enemies: Republicans having large eco footprint parties on oversized yachts.

Now go and make your president proud.

For the actual speech click here. Coast Guard speech



In my line of work as a health professional I often must confront patients due to lack of adherence to guidelines I have set forth for them. Some of these guidelines might mean the difference between life and death, and yet I find it very difficult for many of them to follow the guidelines. Usually this is because what I am teaching them to do is totally different from their usual habits. So I tell them over and over, every time I see them. I demonstrate the way I want things to be done. I write down lists to remind them and post those lists around the house. And yet still I find those who cannot remember or simply refuse to make the necessary changes to their life in order to stay healthy and out of the emergenci room. Sometimes I wish I could tattoo the information onto their bodies.

But what I really need is to figure out a way to ingrain these rules onto their hearts and minds. Not onto their blood pumping organ and between the creases of their brain wrinkles. What I mean is, into their very being mentally and emotionally. If I could only make them understand … Oh, I can get them to do it all while I’m there with them. I can get them to complete it all perfectly for a while, maybe even for a few days. But still they eventually forget. It’s the same with me and flossing. I’ve tried . O how I’ve tried over and over and over. And yet today was the first day I’ve flossed in a month. Couldn’t we create some way to ingrain that behavior into my very core? And I don’t mean brainwashing. I mean helping me truly identify and understand that I NEED this.

Well I’d like you to know it’s already been done. This magnificent feat of scientific know-how was in the works since the beginning of time. Our Creator-God knew that writing the law on tablets of stone wasn’t going to cut it. In fact, that’s one reason He put in on stone first, to show us just how puny we are at following commands that we need to survive. So when I talk about the “law” I am speaking generally concerning the “purpose of humanity on Earth and off of it.” I am speaking of the human handbook of handy helps that every sentient being should know before stepping off into each and every day.

God says that for those who recognize the danger and consequences of living life without the instruction manual, and who have accepted the way of escaping that danger through the manual’s Author, there is a new ingenious way that that manual is printed. We do not have to wait in line for our copy of the stone tablets which must then be lugged around, pointing out our wickedness every live long day as we TRY to do what’s right and fail miserably. No, His “law” is tattooed on our hearts and minds. Just like a blank sheet of paper that has just been written on, our very soul is altered forever. We are transformed from the inside out so that we no longer trudge about with hard rules beaten over our heads, but instead walk forward with supernatural understanding of what in the world we are here for.

God is light, and when we are His, we walk in the light. But not only can we now see the proper way to go, we also have a new internal sense of direction to motivate and propel us onward.

See John 15, Hebrews 10, and II Corinthians 3.

You Want Some Franco with That?

Unfortunately not many on Twitter and at places such as Salon.com are requesting some Franco with their Big Mac these days. In fact, they appear to be burning him alive inside his McDonald’s in a sacrificial pyre to the indignant wholefoods gods. His light hearted op-ed has certainly sparked some dark hearted attacks.

You can read it here. Franco Op Ed

Not only did Franco incidentally speak contrary to conventional vitriolic tirades against low priced non organic foodstuffs (just imagine if he had relayed a good experience inside a walmart) but he, perhaps unwittingly, made known the dirty little secret that Mcdonald workers are paid appropriately for the level of skill needed for the work.

In other words James Franco, in order to realign himself with mainstream liberal thinking, is being asked/bullied into recanting his very own memories so as to further current societal causes. So for the sake of adhering to the recommended mainstream talking points, I suggest that Franco retract his article and replace it with changes as follows:

1. Include a villainous shift manager who spits on burgers and suppresses any interest in personal achievement. Also if he could keep an employee or two chained in the supply closet that would be great.
2. Include a mentally ill wife and 3 to 4 children depending on a McDonald’s income.
3. Add that because of a diet consisting of processed high cholesterol food force fed by the evil shift manager, cancer, diabetes, and cerebral palsy were developed.
4. Maybe a short sentence about mcdonalds indirectly contributing to global temperatures rising due to cow farts.

I am confident that if these small changes could be made to your past then Twitter (aka the new Spanish Inquisition) could be appeased well enough for now. In the future I recommend posting all thoughts and memories on Twitter before thinking or remembering them lest further firestorms singe you.

This has been a simple suggestion from a fellow tweeter which you must obey or forfeit all fame and selfworth. Thank you.